| Location | Leigh, Wigan |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Natural Causes |
| Date of Birth | 14/11/2008 |
| Date of Death | 14/11/2008 |
| Visitors | 4,484 since 04/01/2009 |
| Creator |
Phoebe, my precious gift, I miss you so very much.
I found out I was pregnant in may 2008 and then discovered I had diabetes, we knew nothing of what
this meant in relation to Phoebe and our pregnancy.
At our 20 week scan we discovered we were having a girl, we were also asked to come back for another
scan as they thought they could see some fluid on her lungs. The following week we went for another
scan and they said they couldn't see the lungs clearly and wanted us to go to see the St Mary's
(Manchester) lung and heart specialist's a few days later.
When we went to see the specialist they told us Phoebe's heart was perfect and then we saw the lung
specialist, he was a lovely man named Dr Chan.
He told us he had some concerns about the lung growth and this could be caused by a couple of
things.
He drew a diagram for us and told us a little about C.D.H (congenital diaphragmatic hernia). He also
mentioned Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18 as it is also known. He wasn't happy with the scans either
so the following week we were sent to sheffield for an MRI scan. The CDH was confirmed and they also
told us it was the rarer of the 2 as it was a right handed CDH, Phoebe's stomach, most of her liver
and quite a bit of intestine had worked its way into her chest cavity and was restricting her lung
growth. Our baby had less then a 50% chance of surviving. That was if she made it to birth and
managed to stabilise enough for an operation. We were offered a termination.
Phoebe was a long awaited gift, 9 yrs we had waited. there was no decision to make, as our baby was
growing inside me she was in no pain and we prayed she would prove everyone wrong. We believe she
was sent for a reason and that if this was the only 'life' our baby was to have (inside mummy) then
it was up to her when she had had enough, not a doctor.
Due to the CDH Phoebe was not able to swallow inside me and I was carrying double the amount of
water to a normal pregnancy, I became huge very very quickly...it was very painful.
We prayed that Phoebe would survive past 24 weeks so that if she did come early the doctors would at
least try to help her, then we prayed that she got past 28 weeks so that she wasnt 'see through' so
to speak and had a little weight on her (knowing our other children would want to meet her we wanted
it to be as easy as possible for them to do so).
When we had received the CDH diagnosis we trawled the net hoping to find some .. help? positivity?
guidance.
Instead we thought logically, the diagnosis was bad and we were told to prepare for the worst, we
went out and bought our angel a beautiful silk dress (knowing that when it came to it if the worst
did happen we would not be able to go out shopping and we just wouldn't be in the right frame of
mind to find the right thing). We prayed she would have to wear it for her christening but we knew
what it was really for. We also found 2 beautiful songs that were prefect for her and what she meant
to us, - "Visitor from heaven" & "Cradle of wings".
At 30 weeks I began to feel as if i was constipated and I had a water infection, we went off to the
hospital to be checked out on the 12th nov @31+5 as the pain had become so intense we thought I was
going into prem labour.
After a 'sweep' and an hour on the monitor we were sent home and told if it was so intense again to
go straight to St Mary's as our baby wouldn't survive if born at another hospital and she would need
to be transferred straight there and she probably would not survive the journey.
On friday 14th nov @4.30am I woke with severe pains.
I convinced myself it was just the water infection etc and by 830 I was in a hot bath trying to get
rid of the pain. By 10.15 the pains were every 4 mins and I was getting into the ambulance.
We arrived at the hospital at 11.10am.
Phoebe was born at 11;22am daddy delivered her as the midwives were simply not ready.
He placed her on my tummy and she reached out and held onto his finger, the midwives cut the cord
and she never breathed again.
12 doctors, specialist and registrars worked on Phoebe until 12oclock when they told us it was not
in her interest to carry on.
The stork came at 11;22 the angels came at noon.
We had discussed that if this situation arised that we wanted to take phoebe home the night before
the funeral to wash her and clothe her ourselves.
Daddy went to ring nanna, grandad and our children to come to the hospital, and when the nurses
asked us what we would like to do we simply said we wanted to take our baby home.
I never knew it was even an option we just answered from our hearts. They were a little shocked but
took us to see the mortician who told us that it was possible as long as we followed a few
guidelines.
At 8pm on 14th Nov we brought our Phoebe home.
We spent the whole weekend with her, everyone that wanted to come did so and met us all at home
surrounded by the things we had bought for her.
Our children bathed and cuddled their little sister, and we have over 400 photos of her and so many
memories that we simply should not have.
The mortician - Liz - told us that although it is possible to take your baby home in this situation,
the midwives see it as taboo and would never offer this as an option to grieving parents. Because we
had had the chance to talk and discuss these things in a fairly clear mind we had this opportunity
because we knew how each other felt regarding the situation. Liz rang us on the Saturday evening to
see how things were and told us that "in all her years doing her job she had never known a family to
take their baby home, but for the next 10 years hat she has left in her job she would be quoting
what we have done and that the midwives would also now do the same knowing that it was now
possible", Liz said that our precious angel "Phoebe has changed lives for other grieving families".
Within hours of being home and us following liz's advice you swelling went away, and you got your
lovely pink baby colour ~ you are so beautiful, simply perfect in every way.
Phoebe we always knew you were special, mummy misses you with every bone in her body, and its true
that when a heart breaks it doesnt break even. I feel like I'm in a thousand pieces, I love you so
much sweety, I was in shock when you were born I never told you while you were alive that I loved
you, you never opened your eyes - that hurts so much that I never looked into your eyes and told
you that I loved you.
Daddy said that you were never even tempted to take a peek and you had done what you had come to
do.
You brought me and daddy closer together, and have just found out that the undiagnosed diabetes i
had (approx 2 1/2yrs from backgroung bloods) has gone.
You put us back together and saved my life.
love forever
your heart broken mummy & daddy
Some people only believe in angels, we all held one in our arms
When will we see you again????
I saw that look in their eyes
the way they discuise
The hurt that they feel
Like it isnt real
When will we see you again
when the clouds form a heart
There you will be
Foreverever deep in our hearts
The angels called out your name
a photo now in a frame
Your souls on this land
forever holding our hand.
Sleep tight xxxxxx
XXXX
God gave you your daughter
For such a little while;
He put a bit of heaven
In the sunshine of her smile.
He took dust from
The brightest twinkling stars
And made her sparkling eyes;
And now, she's gone back home to God,
To play up in the skies.
And though she left so quickly
That your hearts are grieved and sad,
We know she lives with God
And her small heart is glad.
And though your precious darling
Was just a rosebud small;
She'll bloom in all her beauty
On the other side of the wall.
IM SO SORRY TO HEAR OF PHOEBE'S PASSING, MAY SHE REST IN PEACE NOW AND PLAY WITH THE ANGELS
THINKING OF YOU ALL LOVE SHARON AND FAMILY XXXXXXXXXXX
So sorry for your loss - such a precious beautiful little girl. RIP little lady - I am sure ou will be playing with the other angels watching over your mummy and daddy. Night Night lots of love Kai's mummy and daddy xxx
for cathy with love xx
She was so very, very special
And was so from the start
You held her in your arms
But mainly in your heart
And like a single drop of rain
That on still waters fall,
Her life did ripples make
And touched the lives of all.
She's gone to play with angels
In heaven up above
So keep your special memories
And treasure. them with love
Although your darling daughter
Was with you just a while
She'll live on in your heart
With a sweet remembered smile
You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on
Do You See My Daddy................By Claire Thorpe
Do you see my Daddy?
Do you see him really?
Do you see him dying inside,
For the child he loved so dearly?
Or do you see him being strong,
An arm around my Mummy?
Do you see him cry at night,
Or is he trying to be funny?
He has to be a man,
Hold tight onto the tears,
He can't show you, or anyone,
His deepest darkest fears.
He has to put on "The brave face"
So everything seems fine,
But trust me, deep inside him,
He's crying all the time.
He wanted to teach me football,
Play fighting on the floor,
He wanted to carry me in his arms,
To show off and adore.
Instead he felt so useless,
As he sat by Mummy's side,
As she pushed me into the world,
And everyone, but me, cried.
So don't think he's not hurting,
And don't think it is wrong,
To give him a gentle cuddle,
Tell him he doesn't need to be strong.
Let him cry on your shoulder,
Because my Daddy's hurting too.
Everyone cuddles my Mummy,
My Daddy, don't know what to do!
If I could kiss him and say,
"Hey, I look like you"
I love my Daddy so dearly.
Remember, he's a Parent too!
His mates think, he's "Still one of the lads"
"Great", "Good fun","Still him"
Sending their love to my Mummy,
He'll wink at them and grin.
But in his soul he's dying,
A missing piece is gone,
What about my Daddy?
He didn't do anything wrong!
Don't treat him like a leper,
Or without the softer touch,
Remember to treat them both the same,
For he loved me just as much!
Remember he's a Parent too.
Do You See My Mummy?..............By Claire Thorpe
If you see my Mummy,please hold her tight for me,
Cos, even though she's smiling, her pain's not easy to see.
She hides it deep inside her, a smile upon her face,
So you don't feel uncomfortable, or put in an awkward place.
She will laugh, and she will smile, sound normal on the phone.
But deep inside she's screaming, "Help me, I'm so alone"
I can hear her bother, cos it's screaming from her heart.
She doesn't know why this happened, why we had to part.
She's all mixed up inside her, her body is filled with pain.
Please someone, help my Mummy, before she goes insane.
Just talk about me to her, don't think the pain has gone,
That she should be over me, for her pain will go on and on.
She held me in her body, then held me in her arm,
She wanted to look after me, and keep me safe from harm.
But she feels in a way, that she has let me down,
And I can't reassure her, that I am always around.
I want to hug her tightly, and take away her pain,
But I can't do that from here, wait until we're together again.
So if you see my Mummy, don't say you've been through worse.
Don't say, "Oh she will get over me", I'm not a lost purse!
I am, and always will be, the baby that she bore,
And even though you loved me, my Mummy loved me more.
Don't compare me to a lost dog, or a Grand Dad, or a Nan,
She will help you with your worries, if she feels she can.
Don't expect too much from her, it's her child she misses.
She's like a china doll inside, could crack up into pieces.
So hold her please, so gently, tell her not to be afraid to cry,
And listen to her go on and on, Why?, Oh Why?, Oh Why,
She's not the person you once knew, yes, she's changed a lot.
One day her smile might be genuine, next day it may not.
So please, let me rest peacefully, I won't until I know,
That my Mummy needs your support, not that silly look of "So"??
That as I never breathed, I wasn't really real,
That it's harder to have memories, how do you think that makes her feel?
Cos we have many memories, you weren't lucky enough to share,
Daddy kissed me in my coffin, Mummy placed in my teddy bear.
I weren't a "Something that happened", or a "Thing that was meant to be"
She carried me past the "Maybe stages", she then gave birth to me.
So if you see my Mummy, give her a gentle squeeze,
Don't tell her what I've told you, She won't be too pleased.
She likes to think it's private, the pain is not being shown.
But it's there believe me, she is feeling so alone.
Thank you all for listening, I'm glad I got to say,
Though you don't know me like my Mummy.
Trust me, You Will One Day!
I am your little angel
and I'm sent from far away
To cheer you up if you are sad
or had a rotten day.
So when you find a home for me
make sure that it is near,
For when you to need to talk things out
I can lend an ear.
I'm here to make you smile
when you feel a little blue,
Just look into my eyes
and I'll smile back at you.
Or when your feeling lonely,
and no one seems to care,
Remember angels do,
and we are everywhere.
If you are scared and don't feel safe
and don't know what to do
talk to me
and I will see if I can get you through.
Now find that special place for me
deep inside your heart,
And I will always be there
and we will never part.
Phoebe May was my beautiful grandaughter,she changed so many lives and for that we thank her,sleep tight little one,all my love always nana xxx
For Phoebe's Mummy & Daddy x
Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my daughters name. My daughter lived and is very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my daughter, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My daughters death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my daughter and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my daughters death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my daughter until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my daughter and I will always grieve that she is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me 'not to think about it' or 'be happy'. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a 'Pity party', but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, 'I'm doing okay', I wish you could understand that I don't 'feel' okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to 'take it one day at a time' is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my daughter died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never ' fully ' understand....
God bless you both xxx
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