Phoebe May McGuirk

Phoebe, my precious gift, I miss you so very much.

I found out I was pregnant in may 2008 and then discovered I had diabetes, we knew nothing of what
this meant in relation to Phoebe and our pregnancy.
At our 20 week scan we discovered we were having a girl, we were also asked to come back for another
scan as they thought they could see some fluid on her lungs. The following week we went for another
scan and they said they couldn't see the lungs clearly and wanted us to go to see the St Mary's
(Manchester) lung and heart specialist's a few days later.
When we went to see the specialist they told us Phoebe's heart was perfect and then we saw the lung
specialist, he was a lovely man named Dr Chan.
He told us he had some concerns about the lung growth and this could be caused by a couple of
things.
He drew a diagram for us and told us a little about C.D.H (congenital diaphragmatic hernia). He also
mentioned Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18 as it is also known. He wasn't happy with the scans either
so the following week we were sent to sheffield for an MRI scan. The CDH was confirmed and they also
told us it was the rarer of the 2 as it was a right handed CDH, Phoebe's stomach, most of her liver
and quite a bit of intestine had worked its way into her chest cavity and was restricting her lung
growth. Our baby had less then a 50% chance of surviving. That was if she made it to birth and
managed to stabilise enough for an operation. We were offered a termination.
Phoebe was a long awaited gift, 9 yrs we had waited. there was no decision to make, as our baby was
growing inside me she was in no pain and we prayed she would prove everyone wrong. We believe she
was sent for a reason and that if this was the only 'life' our baby was to have (inside mummy) then
it was up to her when she had had enough, not a doctor.
Due to the CDH Phoebe was not able to swallow inside me and I was carrying double the amount of
water to a normal pregnancy, I became huge very very quickly...it was very painful.
We prayed that Phoebe would survive past 24 weeks so that if she did come early the doctors would at
least try to help her, then we prayed that she got past 28 weeks so that she wasnt 'see through' so
to speak and had a little weight on her (knowing our other children would want to meet her we wanted
it to be as easy as possible for them to do so).
When we had received the CDH diagnosis we trawled the net hoping to find some .. help? positivity?
guidance.
Instead we thought logically, the diagnosis was bad and we were told to prepare for the worst, we
went out and bought our angel a beautiful silk dress (knowing that when it came to it if the worst
did happen we would not be able to go out shopping and we just wouldn't be in the right frame of
mind to find the right thing). We prayed she would have to wear it for her christening but we knew
what it was really for. We also found 2 beautiful songs that were prefect for her and what she meant
to us, - "Visitor from heaven" & "Cradle of wings".
At 30 weeks I began to feel as if i was constipated and I had a water infection, we went off to the
hospital to be checked out on the 12th nov @31+5 as the pain had become so intense we thought I was
going into prem labour.
After a 'sweep' and an hour on the monitor we were sent home and told if it was so intense again to
go straight to St Mary's as our baby wouldn't survive if born at another hospital and she would need
to be transferred straight there and she probably would not survive the journey.
On friday 14th nov @4.30am I woke with severe pains.
I convinced myself it was just the water infection etc and by 830 I was in a hot bath trying to get
rid of the pain. By 10.15 the pains were every 4 mins and I was getting into the ambulance.
We arrived at the hospital at 11.10am.
Phoebe was born at 11;22am daddy delivered her as the midwives were simply not ready.
He placed her on my tummy and she reached out and held onto his finger, the midwives cut the cord
and she never breathed again.
12 doctors, specialist and registrars worked on Phoebe until 12oclock when they told us it was not
in her interest to carry on.

The stork came at 11;22 the angels came at noon.

We had discussed that if this situation arised that we wanted to take phoebe home the night before
the funeral to wash her and clothe her ourselves.
Daddy went to ring nanna, grandad and our children to come to the hospital, and when the nurses
asked us what we would like to do we simply said we wanted to take our baby home.
I never knew it was even an option we just answered from our hearts. They were a little shocked but
took us to see the mortician who told us that it was possible as long as we followed a few
guidelines.

At 8pm on 14th Nov we brought our Phoebe home.
We spent the whole weekend with her, everyone that wanted to come did so and met us all at home
surrounded by the things we had bought for her.
Our children bathed and cuddled their little sister, and we have over 400 photos of her and so many
memories that we simply should not have.
The mortician - Liz - told us that although it is possible to take your baby home in this situation,
the midwives see it as taboo and would never offer this as an option to grieving parents. Because we
had had the chance to talk and discuss these things in a fairly clear mind we had this opportunity
because we knew how each other felt regarding the situation. Liz rang us on the Saturday evening to
see how things were and told us that "in all her years doing her job she had never known a family to
take their baby home, but for the next 10 years hat she has left in her job she would be quoting
what we have done and that the midwives would also now do the same knowing that it was now
possible", Liz said that our precious angel "Phoebe has changed lives for other grieving families".

Within hours of being home and us following liz's advice you swelling went away, and you got your
lovely pink baby colour ~ you are so beautiful, simply perfect in every way.

Phoebe we always knew you were special, mummy misses you with every bone in her body, and its true
that when a heart breaks it doesnt break even. I feel like I'm in a thousand pieces, I love you so
much sweety, I was in shock when you were born I never told you while you were alive that I loved
you, you never opened your eyes - that hurts so much that I never looked into your eyes and told
you that I loved you.
Daddy said that you were never even tempted to take a peek and you had done what you had come to
do.
You brought me and daddy closer together, and have just found out that the undiagnosed diabetes i
had (approx 2 1/2yrs from backgroung bloods) has gone.
You put us back together and saved my life.
love forever
your heart broken mummy & daddy

Some people only believe in angels, we all held one in our arms